Leadership

I’ll never forget my first “big” promotion.

I was working in the Winner’s Circle at Dave & Buster’s.

If you’ve never been, Dave & Buster’s is basically Chuck E. Cheese for grownups. There’s booze and there’s an arcade, complete with tickets and prizes.

Working in the Winner’s Circle meant you were weighing paper tickets (ha! I’m so old), shredding them, and taking people’s orders for their prizes. It also meant calling the water gun duck race and managing the basketball hoop midway games.

I believe I was working there for about two months before the Assistant Department Head gave her notice and suddenly I found myself being promoted to that role.

I was 19. It was exciting for me. It meant a raise on what was already pretty good pay for my age and obligations.

But it also meant scrutiny.

There were of course other people who had been there longer who wanted the job. I felt badly. I don’t like to “win” at someone else’s expense.

One day, a friend in the department pulled me aside. He wanted to give me some sage advice on my new gig.

Apparently, I smiled too much.

People interpreted that as me being fake.

I remember feeling so confused and embarrassed. Why would I pretend to be nice to someone? What would I get out of that?

It’s still hard for me to understand the logic of manipulators. Call me naive, but I still don’t see what satisfaction there is to be gained from pretending to be kind to someone to get something out of them.

Years later, I joked with my then-husband about being kind to people because the Bible says it’s like pouring hot coals on their heads.

He didn’t think that was a good reason to be kind. 😆 Don’t get me wrong. I see his point as valid.

But I would never wish ill on someone.

Even now, the worst thing I imagine doing to that ex-husband of mine is a particularly stinky fiery bag delivery and that is a deep dark distant fantasy. I’d never actually wish him or his family harm.

When I’d say I wanted to be kind because it was like hot coals… it was because I wanted them to see something. To understand that no matter what they brought to me, I was only going to return kindness. To have them experience the “pain” of feeling embarrassed that they’d be unkind to someone who’d never return the favor.

Lately, I’ve been finding my role with one team I work has been naturally evolving over the course of time into one of more leadership and responsibility. To the point where I’m actually doing the work of a particular role and it’s just not formally recognized with a title. I’m sure that will come in time, but for now, I’m in the messy middle.

I’m not recognized as a leader by the team members who don’t see all that I do behind the scenes. We’re a distributed team so it makes sense – we all work from our own locales all over the country.

And because I’m not recognized as a leader, when I act like one in a way that’s visible to these other team members, it creates a dissonance. Why should I have a say over this thing that’s not in my “lane”? Why should I have any input over approving this or that? Why is it confusing whether a question should go to me or my peer?

It’s uncomfortable in quite literally the same way giving birth is uncomfortable. I’m in conversations with decision-makers about how to move forward and a lot is unclear. But I AM a leader and I AM in a position to have say and influence over things.

I’m looking forward to the relief that will come when there is more clarity.

For now, I am committed to continuing to show up with kindness. The form of kindness that is clear and direct and compassionate. The kindness that is willing to speak the truth even if it means someone else gets upset. I value the highest good much more than I value what someone else might think of me.